For the last several days, women all over the United States have posted a simple message on social media: Me too. Some added their experience; others talked about the importance of supporting those who have been sexually assaulted or sexually harassed. Men posted too. Some men posted in support of their wives, daughters, mothers, sisters, and friends; other men posted the simple message “Me too”.
Sexual assault and sexual harassment don’t discriminate based on age, gender, ethnicity, place of birth, financial status, marital status, religious belief, or any other grouping.
I’ve been sexually assaulted and sexually harassed. None of the incidents was my fault, although at times I was made to feel like they all were my fault, that I had invited them somehow.
When I reported incidents of sexual harassment, I felt like I was the perpetrator and not the survivor. Why? Why was I made to feel like I had invited someone to touch me inappropriately without my permission? Why was it my fault that some guy thought it perfectly within his realm to reach out and grab my behind and he claimed that I was being hysterical when I complained and you believed him over me?
And the latter example happened just a few months ago. I’m overweight, out of shape, over forty, and no longer a hot young thing, a fully grown woman who knows that she has the right to decide who touches her, where they touch her, and when they touch her. And when I told the man to keep his hands to himself, the perpetrator tried to make it my fault. He touched me inappropriately without my permission. My bottom is not available for a squeeze to whomever reaches over for a feel.
I didn’t speak up about sexual assault or sexual harassment for a very long time. I kept quiet. Over the years, I learned that too many family members, too many friends, and too many acquaintances had been sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, or both. It’s a club I don’t want anyone else to join.
When you learn that someone you know has been sexually assaulted or sexually harassed, just listen. Just be there with no judgment, no what if’s, no you should have or shouldn’t have’s. Don’t roll your eyes when she gets up for the fifth time to double check the lock on the door or when he cringes when someone accidentally brushes up against him.
Survivors, that’s what we are. We learn new habits. We learn to cope. We learn to slowly let go of the shame and accept that it wasn’t our fault. We learn to forgive those who point fingers at us, who ignore us, who shun us.
What we won’t do is accept blame for what happened.